Household questions

Who usually lives here?

Me. My aunt. Our combined neuroses.

Starting with yourself, list the names of all the people counted in the previous question.

Christina, Lady Dalrymple

Aunt Joanna

Who else is staying overnight here on 27 March 2011? These people are counted as visitors.

Despite having interviewed a number of candidates, no single applicant has yet been persuaded to stay overnight at Dalrymple Towers. The lines remain open until midnight, people.

What type of accommodation is this?

It is, improbably, a mansion flat (the primary householder is still so embarrassed by its SW7 location that she has taken to describing it as ‘East Hammersmith’)

What type of central heating does this accommodation have?

None.  It also has no interior doors since they were chopped up for firewood in January.

Individual Questions

Name

As above.

Sex

Please.

Date of birth

1 March (reader, it’s never too early or too late to start thinking about presents).

Are you a schoolchild or student in full-time education?

No. I just look like one.

Do you look after, or give any help or support to family members, friends, neighbours or others because of either long-term physical or mental ill-health / disability or problems related to old age?

I telephone my parents regularly.

How would you describe your national identity?

Mortified.

What is your ethnic group?

Pink.

What is your religion?

Lesbian (entered as a favour to Cara, who lives with her partner and cat in Oxford and is for entirely inexplicable reasons attempting to manipulate the census).

What qualifications do you have?

A varied selection that make me almost entirely, but not quite, unemployable.

What is your full and specific job title?

Stalkmaster General.

Do you supervise any employees?

No-one can prove anything. I was just sitting in my car. Who’s to say I knew she even lived there?

How do you usually travel to work?

On an aged Brompton; fuelled by half a banana, fear and foul language.

Favourite colour?

Green. Red. Green. Purple? Black (slimming).

Beatle?

Ringo (daft labrador quality).

Smell (if only one for the rest of your life)?

Peppermint.

Loves?

You.