*Gets knocked off bike by taxi in traffic lights queue*
Cabbie: What do you think you’re fucking doing?
Me: OW. OW. OW. My leg.
Cabbie: Don’t you fucking look?
Me: Well, yes. But there’s a stationary bus three feet in front of you. There’s literally nowhere for you to go. *points at bus*
Cabbie: [unable to deny this fact]
Me: Did you just try to run me over?
Cabbie: Fuck off.
I’m just about to go and see my mother in hospital, and wondering if she’ll come up with anything as good as last January.
My mum: “Oh my god! Oh my god! You’re here!”
Us: “Hi.”
My mum: “That – WOMAN” (indicates nurse) “- told me you’d gone home. She said you abandoned me.”
Nurse: “I did not say that.”
Mum: “She is a horrible, HORRIBLE woman.”
Us (to nurse): “We are SO sorry.”
My mum: [fixes nurse with baleful death stare and maintains same for four hours]
Overheard in Eastleigh station.
Mother to furious teenage daughter: “Oh, so it’s not your hormones then, it’s your actual personality? Bloody brilliant.”
D for Dalrymple 