Have you met the twins?

I’ve been amusing myself of late by coming up with interesting names for potential future offspring. Parenting is, after all, a fantastic opportunity to rebrand.

This post is dedicated to Paula Yates, Gwyneth Paltrow, MJ, Frank Zappa and the Bugaboo-toting women of Chiswick (the borough where I work, where the game ‘Chiswick Or Not Chiswick?’ was invented, and where there is at least one person who owns a dog called ‘Brioche’).

EXPLANATORY NOTE: Obviously it’s funnier to talk about twins, because there’s always the chance you might actually be talking about breasts rather than children. Most of these work for both.

1. Chlamydia and Syphilis

2. Hummous and Babaganoush

3. Fenestra and Gusset

4. Desdemona and Pugwash

5. Fermata and Theorbo

6. Umlaut and Cedilla

7. Filigree and Pedigree

8. Shagpile and Chewbacca

9. Milan and Grimsby

10. Pinot and Celeriac

11. Regus and Dolphin

12. Marie Claire and Grazia

13. Marmaduke and Marmoset

14. Thunder and Lizard*

15. Depo and Provera

16. Canticle and Blasphemy

17. Sequester and Frenulum

18. Bunty and YouTube

19. Hymen and Fallopia

20. Blessing and Surplus

WANTED: Fecund male to father army of hilariously-named progeny. Form an orderly queue.

* these ones actually exist, I have met them

About Christina Kenny

Christina Kenny is a music journalist based in London.
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3 Responses to Have you met the twins?

  1. therealjanem says:

    a) Reading this post has made me late for therapy.
    b) It would be even better if there were voting buttons.
    c) What is Chiswick or not Chiswick?

    • Christina says:

      a) For this I am truly sorry

      b) I will look into this, stat

      c) Chiswick Or Not Chiswick is an adaptation of a pre-existing game developed by Andrew W Ormerod.

      A game for two players, both of whom ideally will have been to Chiswick. Player one names an item, person or concept, and the other must then pronounce whether that item, person or concept is either ‘Chiswick’ or ‘Not Chiswick’.

      For example,

      Houmous = Chiswick

      Frozen peas = Not Chiswick

      Dogs = Chiswick

      Snakes = Not Chiswick

      Clare Balding = Chiswick

      Noel Fielding = Not Chiswick


  2. An English friend of my grandmother was so inspired by her tour of Australia that she decided to call her children after Aussie towns. Her friends were worried that they’d choose Iron Knob, Tittybong, Legume, Poowong, or Tangambalanga, but they eventually settled on Clare and Katherine. An opportunity missed, I feel.

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