I’ve been amusing myself of late by coming up with interesting names for potential future offspring. Parenting is, after all, a fantastic opportunity to rebrand.
This post is dedicated to Paula Yates, Gwyneth Paltrow, MJ, Frank Zappa and the Bugaboo-toting women of Chiswick (the borough where I work, where the game ‘Chiswick Or Not Chiswick?’ was invented, and where there is at least one person who owns a dog called ‘Brioche’).
EXPLANATORY NOTE: Obviously it’s funnier to talk about twins, because there’s always the chance you might actually be talking about breasts rather than children. Most of these work for both.
1. Chlamydia and Syphilis
2. Hummous and Babaganoush
3. Fenestra and Gusset
4. Desdemona and Pugwash
5. Fermata and Theorbo
6. Umlaut and Cedilla
7. Filigree and Pedigree
8. Shagpile and Chewbacca
9. Milan and Grimsby
10. Pinot and Celeriac
11. Regus and Dolphin
12. Marie Claire and Grazia
13. Marmaduke and Marmoset
14. Thunder and Lizard*
15. Depo and Provera
16. Canticle and Blasphemy
17. Sequester and Frenulum
18. Bunty and YouTube
19. Hymen and Fallopia
20. Blessing and Surplus
WANTED: Fecund male to father army of hilariously-named progeny. Form an orderly queue.
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* these ones actually exist, I have met them
D for Dalrymple 
a) Reading this post has made me late for therapy.
b) It would be even better if there were voting buttons.
c) What is Chiswick or not Chiswick?
a) For this I am truly sorry
b) I will look into this, stat
c) Chiswick Or Not Chiswick is an adaptation of a pre-existing game developed by Andrew W Ormerod.
A game for two players, both of whom ideally will have been to Chiswick. Player one names an item, person or concept, and the other must then pronounce whether that item, person or concept is either ‘Chiswick’ or ‘Not Chiswick’.
For example,
Houmous = Chiswick
Frozen peas = Not Chiswick
Dogs = Chiswick
Snakes = Not Chiswick
Clare Balding = Chiswick
Noel Fielding = Not Chiswick
etc.
An English friend of my grandmother was so inspired by her tour of Australia that she decided to call her children after Aussie towns. Her friends were worried that they’d choose Iron Knob, Tittybong, Legume, Poowong, or Tangambalanga, but they eventually settled on Clare and Katherine. An opportunity missed, I feel.