Do you value glitter and wind machines over small, inconsequential details like song quality? If so, then this is the score card for you.
UPDATE (10 May 2014): download this scorecard in PDF table format here: Eurovision Final 2014 (un)Official scorecard – version for printing. Please use irresponsibly.
EUROVISION 2014 FINAL – 10 MAY 2014
D FOR DALRYMPLE OFFICIAL SCORECARD
COUNTRY: ……………………………………………….
SCORED BY: ……………………………………………..
1. Song (0-5): ……….
2. Outfits (0-5): ……….
3. Choreography (0-5): ……….
4. OMFG factor (0-5): ……….
5. Bonus points – award one for each of the following that applies:
- Song not in English
- Song in English, but very bad English
- Cheesy modulation to a different key
- Wind machine
- Pyrotechnics
- National instruments
- Anyone barefoot
- Partial nudity
- Awkwardly sexual
- White piano
- Jesus wept
TOTAL: ……….
NB: If you’re not sure what constitutes a cheesy modulation, then listening from 3.03 to 3.20 of this video should give you an idea.
Update (9/5/14): a longer version of this post can be found on Huffington Post UK. Essential rules remain unchanged
D for Dalrymple 
I’m not sure why you chose that bit. The whole thing was cheesy, but, God help me, I liked it in my bed of pain. X
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