Tomorrow Jo and I are off to Paris’s Rock En Seine for a weekend of electropop, vin rouge, and, it would seem, mud. Yes, even in Paris – centre of art, glamour, and a certain je ne said quoi – it’s pissing with rain.

I’m now attempting to pack. Needless to say, I’ve made a list.

1. Passport

Yes, it really is possible to forget this, viz. Norway 2006:

1500 York to London
1800 Cook dinner. Open bottle of wine
2030 Realise have left passport in locked room in York. Leave Fiona Scott in care of younger brother and bottle of wine
2200 Depart London for York
0030 Arrive York
0500 Depart York
1030 Depart London Gatwick for Oslo Torp

NOT GOOD TIMES

2. Currency

Done. La la.

3. Paris map

Large and ungainly: Paris appears to have an extravagantly large Metro system.

4. Hostel booking

We are staying at Le Hostel Peace And Love. According to The Internet, this hostel has ‘excellent customer service’, but is also ‘extremely racist’.

5. Reading material

Check. David Foster Wallace ‘Brief Interviews With Hideous Men’: already brilliant on the second read. Also, some variety of Wodehouse. Probably. I would normally take my iPod, but have ruled this out given my recent brush with crime.

6. Clothes

Incorporating FRENCH COSTUME: striped T-shirt, red cropped trousers, beret, red lipstick, eyelinered twirly moustache. All authentic and totally inoffensive.

7. Footwear

Wellies. Flip flops. Bish bash bosh.

8. Toiletries

Toothbrush, wet wipes, anti-bacterial handwash.

9. Festival schedule, printed and highlighted:

Kele; The Kooks (maybe… have I really heard of them?); Skunk Anansie; Stereophonics (I was a teenager in the 90s: don’t judge me); Paolo Nutini; LCD Soundsystem; Queens Of The Stone Age; 2 Many DJs; LCD Soundsystem; I Am Un Chien (do I need to justify this?); Wallis Bird; Fat Freddy’s Drop; Roxy Music; The Eels; Beirut; The Ting Tings (do I? do I really?); Arcade Fire (YES! YES! YES!)

10. Phrasebook

Not needed, since I have a thorough command of the following phrases:

a) Oui, je suis anglais: comment est-ce que tu saviez?
b) Oui, je parle français comme une vache espagnole. Et?
c) Oui, mon français écrit est d’un très haut niveau. J’ai gagné une distinction au niveau de premier cycle, vous savez.

Prêt à manger. Check the blog and / or Twatter feed for updates.