I’m just about to go and see my mother in hospital, and wondering if she’ll come up with anything as good as last January.

My mum: “Oh my god! Oh my god! You’re here!”

Us: “Hi.”

My mum: “That – WOMAN” (indicates nurse) “- told me you’d gone home. She said you abandoned me.”

Nurse: “I did not say that.”

Mum: “She is a horrible, HORRIBLE woman.”

Us (to nurse): “We are SO sorry.”

My mum: [fixes nurse with baleful death stare and maintains same for four hours]